How to (Not) Deal with Your Resolutions

Since the earth is 4.54 billion years old; Happy 4,540,000,018 ± 50,000,000! I thought 4,540,000,000,017 ± 50,000,000 would ever end. okay I’m done. (you see, this is why I prefer to write comedy rather than say it out loud. because I won’t get booed off stage and lead on to a great mental and physical depression that would leave me paralyzed causing donkeys to fly. hallelujah!)

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In other news, last month I did a generic survey on Instagram about this blog. Thanks again for participating; looking forward to great stuff this 4,540,000,018 ± 50,000,000 (yes, i’ve refused to let go of this cheesy joke).
Small change though – I’ll minimise on the use of emojis. Why? Cause editing has become strenous af and WordPress seems not to be doing anything about it so…boo! Boo! WordPress. So to make you guys feel better here’s a tweet that I’m definitely sure it will hide the fact that I’m too lazy to edit:

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But get ready for more memes so I guess it’s a win.

Anyway, we are already 2 weeks in the new year and pretty sure most of you guys have already given in on whatever it is you’re trying to change about your life. Well, I for one, I’m quite satisfied with mine – even though I’ve escaped death like thrice and it’s still knocking on my door. Yes, I’ve had near death experiences. Nilidhani I’ve already talked about that. Eeeh I did; the time I jumped out of a slay king’s car. And another time, an intoxicated elephant of a relative jumped on top of me from 4 to 8 am. I’m telling you nimeishi maisha. The last time I doubt sijawaambia, I almost died when I found out Wes from How to Get Away with Murder was actually murdered. That ish sucks man!

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Back to storyyyy…. let me not take much of your time and just run down ways of postponing your goals to 2019 or 2045 or whenever…

  • Don’t feel like losing weight anymore? Well simple, have a snack by your bed – or under your bed so that its easier to reach food instead of walking all the way the kitchen. Trust me it works – until rats make a home in ya mattress.
  • Instead of getting up to go to the gym, run or exercise – you can always rewatch your favourite series and/or movies that will definitely keep in you in bed. Testimony: I actually bought a pair of a bit loose but fitting track pants, so that I can jog or run every morning. But I think the trousers themselves also knew that wasn’t going to happen so, they got a new purpose. They are my comedy pants, which as by the name goes, I watch comedies in them. Friends, Futurama, My Wife and Kids – I’ve watched them alllll…but halfway into Modern Family season 8, I couldn’t fit in them and now they hold up my mosquito net. Life’s hard.
  • Number three, if you want to get cuffed this year. 3 things. One, use one app. Especially Twitter relationships; WhatsApp is a no-no. Deux, stop friendzoning each other; it’s just sad. And lastly, some of us just need to change our faces. We’re hella ugly lol. wErE hElLa UgLy LoL
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  • So you want a new phone. And week after week you uber to the same club, drink yourself silly till 5 am, smoke shi- (oh wait. lmao), and uber back. Then you still have the nerve to complain about the economy on Twitter.
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  • For those who are still out for that First Class Honours or driver’s license; no biggie – I mean you can always miss classes and learn on YouTube.
  • And finally, you vowed to reduce on social media and yet sis on January 1st 9 a.m., there you were on Snapchat and Instagram with the same bead status that you had put on WhatsApp about fake friends. Congrats. You’re really are winningi6r5VDO.gif

Bottom line is, no harm done, we’re all friends here and it might seem I’ve highlighted your trashy self – well welcome to the club! Like fr, I’m still carrying 2012 problems so it’s easy.

Great Year Ahead!

 

 

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “How to (Not) Deal with Your Resolutions

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