i swear the next wedding i’ll go to, will be mine. 🤦🏿♂️
but before i give you guys some super-actionic, ultra visual, most wonderfully but maybe a-biiiiit-too-overreacted-but-still-quite-an-emmy-award-winning-dramatic-episode-and-btw-my-cousin-donald-glover-aka-childish-gambino-won-one-the-other-day-i’m-so-happy-i’m-crying; *breathes in heavily* a meme from twitter:
i know. it’s funny cause it’s happened to most of you. yes? no? okay. 😶
where was i? oh yes! a wedding. aaah i’m now officially retiring from being a wedding guest and/or gate crasher.
so last saturday, lights went at our place and you know how no power can make a man explore. therefore i took my powerbank, phone, handkerchief and earphones and decided to go gate crash the nearest wedding. i know. i done a little plot twist there 🙂…
anyway, there i was. at 12.00 noon. in crocs, a vest and shorts. (i’m hot ey) and i had just spotted the neighbouring primary school with tents, a huge V8 with tuflowers all over and what topped it all off was the 5 shuttles that were covered in mud.
luckily i got to a tent with a free seat at the baaack so no one noticed me. the sermon was still going on and just like everyone else , i was about to start snapping about how i’m stuck in this wedding until i noticed the guy next to me. he was freaking CRYING. ok, i know that its the best way to solve your issues but still fam, it’s a wedding i mean its a buffet at someone’s expense.🤷🏿♂️
i was in the process of ignoring him when he literally collapsed on me in the middle of his breakdown.
“concerned” me: fam, what’s up?
crier: what’s wrong with my life *cries in crescendo*
me: what’s wro…
(interrupts with loud crying and the conversation went on for about half an hour)
so apparently this guy is the bride’s ex. and they broke up like 2 weeks before she got another guy-who were now getting married. 😟 I KNOW! he snatched my handkerchief to blow his nose smh…
anyway, he’ll come later in the storyline. so was it clara…clau..no that’s not it umm…clementine! ah yes, clementine and uh..her husband, do you care about him? exactly. okay i’ll use dan; so they said their vows, signed the certificates and whatnot and now it was time for the real deal. the reception… oh my gosh bless the cooks and the wedding committee of dan weds clementine for making that meal. 😩 like it was gordon-ramsey certified. true story! i mean NO ONE didn’t stuff their paper bags with food cause okay one, obviously they didn’t want to spoil the one they got – dang those things are expensive! and two , you only experience heaven once so.🤷🏿♂️
then came the dancing+gift giving. and this is when it all started crashing down. well, not really cause i danced with the bride but you’ll see… well, apparently i sat at the bride’s family tent and dear old granny forced me to dance along with them…ati to add some bass in their song. 😂 and so i went ahead, danced until it got to the bride…well this happened;
clementine: my gosh, who are you and what are you doing in these premises. i’ll alert the national police you know. according to section 5(a)…
(apparently clementine is a lawyer and unfortunately not a very good one so our conversation went on like i was talking to the nduthi guy on mombasa road – just full of ‘eehs’, ‘enyewes’ and ‘mmmhs’ )
and that’s how the mc got to know my name. and announce it as the guy to give a speech on behalf of the bride’s family. this is how you know your destiny is being used as a shoebrush.😭
so i was on my way to the podium, thinking of how to start praise and worship. not only had i grabbed the mic to sing than the crying ex came out of the blue. (wauu that english) so the guy came: STOP! STOP THIS BS! he came up to clementine and caused a huge scene with lots of words and all i remember was the last part, when he freaking poured RED WINE on her wedding dress. 🙆🏿♂️ then dan (her husband, i knew you won’t remember him) landed with blows on his face. yeah, it was hilarious…
with all my smarts duh, i embraced wokeness and decided to disappear in such times of trouble…
rumors are that kina clementine will move into my court. somebody pass the petrol we light thishouse on fire.💆🏿♂️🔥