How to be the House Handyman and/or Handywoman

First things first, an s/o to all the international readers and viewers – I have noticed A TONNE of views from the US (emphasis on the ‘ne’) which has made me feel quite powerful and vulnerable at the same time. Appreciate the effort and I’m really sorry I’ve been bashing on you guys a lot lol – still find it a bit justified but bottom line is – no hard feelings yes? Lakini bado I’ll write in my broken Kiswahili and Sheng. KATAMBEEE

Ok so Here by Alessia Cara has just come on – God its been like 4 YEARS – wow, still slaps; but inanikumbusha of my reinventing-myself-as-an-introvert phase and JESUS CHRIST WHAT A MESS THAT WAS. Idk if it was peer pressure or what but all of a sudden there was this wave that brought about these brands like extroverted and the one sent by the devil himself: sapiosexual. Honestly some of you were and are still being honest about it but nyinyi wengine

Even WordPress has highlighted it, that’s how you know that humanity is bound for doom. But anyway, at least some good came out of it: uhhhh this blog? Yeah I’ve been able to turn cheesy ad-libs into 3 years of stories and no one has filed a complaint yet. So we’re good I guess!

Back to main story, being a handyperson – different from a handsy person because that’s disgusting.

So this piece can practically be an ode to my pops, of how he can almost literally fix anything – it’s scary. Like honestly, I wish I were being paid to say this but you should know of how long we had that grey – is it grey- Phillips iron box – yees hiyo ya Waafrika hiyo.
God knows the number of times I’ve heard: Ah that’s just the fuse; later when I learnt some physics I’d say sth useless like wOw, i think it’s sth to do with the latency in the wires. Latency. I’ve seen that word in like 5 different topics in high school and university, and I still don’t know what it means.

I believe my dad’s mad troubleshooting skills contribute to this country’s economy in its own twisted way lmao. At some point no month would pass without him buying green and black electric tape, and super glue. But come to think of it, that was a red flag, that we needed new stuff lol; but still it has greatly influenced my cheapness and I’m HELLA proud of it.
Oh another thing I’m proud of; those ‘holding the torch for him as he fixes the car’ moments have kinda paid off. Well, nitajua vizuri nikipata gari yangu – don’t be so loud smh

Speaking of being on your own, I feel like that’s coming up soon and naogopa I won’t know ANYTHING. Legit I can be horrible when it comes to thinking on my feet, it usually comes in after like a 1.5 hour breakdown (yes I’ve done the maths – that’s how you should know i’m serious lo. nope – the lol would ruin the gravity of the situation.
It’s like killing insects yes? Personally if it doesn’t start flapping its wings wanting to take off from the ground, we good ok – its just that I always use slippers za dad lmao. For some odd reason they’re just HEAVY AF so when it lands on the bug it’s done in one instant yeah. You know just crushes it and the exoskeleton does that krrrch sound; I mean whew-

Ok that escalated quickly, namaliza tu saaai saaai

Either way I believe I’m still ok. Cause a few months ago he broke something (can’t remember what) and everyone just

Look at me airing our dirty laundry. But fr doe I’m 100% comfortable knowing that I can fix anything technological – ESPECIALLY converting a PDF to a Word document.

stream Riptide by Vance Joy.



psa: I’ve had this draft post for months now till the first paragraph lost relevance so I’ll just go straight to the point. I hope you’re ok though 🙂

Well the first time I can say I was marvelled by the art of preparing food was when I warmed tea in the microwave – which I think I already talked about; heh, mshanijua mimi lmao. If you haven’t read it I think there’s a search bar you can use, just search tea + microwave + fool it must pop up.

Ok so this time I have come to talk about how my skills have tremendously improved over the years. I mean now my own MOTHER packs my meals for lunch. So yeah I am DEFINITELY certified.

I started following some cooking channels on Twitter and they have these great recipes – mostly American. The food looks so amazing and it just easily – slides from the baking tray or the pan or something. The first days were ROUGH cause my food would weirdly ALWAYS stick. From pastries to meats – like I always ended up scraping na kuharibu vyombo vya wazazi smh. I think I know what my first salary will be for.

Also there was this thing of grey – white smoke: every time I’d try something the kitchen would be FILLED with it everyone in the house started coughing. So you thought you were done crying when you chopped the onions lmaoooo

The first time my sister and I tried making popcorn and we BURNT them. We were so shook like instead of seeing white puffy things you see black smoke coming out of the sufuria (idk this sounds a bit racist to some extent lol) But anyway we got ahead to scrubbing everything and STILL mum found out about it without us telling her. And that is one thing that scares me till today.

Where was I? Oh yes, American recipes. I love everything about them. Except that some of them you’re to cook food? in the microwave? Microwaving for more than 2 minutes – no thanks. I mean I have personal experience. Plus the fact that some ingredients are so first world that I don’t even know what I can use as a substitute. I mean it’s all fun and games until you see sijui angaa add 22 oz of the milk of the poppy.

And finally, I am admitting that with my big age, I still can’t do chapos, ugali and/or brew tea.

By the way hamtanishow. I am not your subpar mcm kila siku tu – (i honestly don’t know how to finish that) BUT MY POINT IS with me, hutawahi kaa njaa xox.


Jesus I’ve used so many reaction pics today but oh well, anything for a post.

Nostalgia…6.0: “when i got into a facebook relationship”

Ha! Shele! The days of yonder…

May 2012. Can’t remember the exact date.

After buying credit ya 50, I ran back to the house, dived into my bed and whipped out my Samsung Champ. My Facebook account was at its peak – like people had just discovered my account, so the rate of friend requests that were pouring in was just WOW, an average of 3/day – oml just the thought of it has me shaking.

So I log in – ok bado my username HAUNTS me till today so I won’t share it. Plus I’m afraid I’ll be arrested for identity theft. But I can say my profile photo was of Zack and Cody (yeah those ones) and I’m actually really proud of that – I mean if you were a Disney fanboy/fangirl at that time, it shows. And it’s beautiful. YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL.


I check out my friend requests; 3 people. 2 of them had usernames that had so many x’s I just – like what was going on with y’all. Anyway – the other was a gorl (sorry i couldn’t help myself): Mindy Williams (don’t look it up).

Scroll over to messages. Reply to a few xaxas and haes then there’s this guy wow:

guy: sned me pics of bob

me: i dnt knw bob

g: ur friend? hs bob?

m: wich friend?

g: friend in pic

m: hes not called bob!!!

g: pls get me bob? pls


i hope he got what he was looking for smh.

I scroll down my news feed. A collage. It’s my newfound crush – Sweetbaby Tasha (still insist – don’t look it up). Oh wow it was her birthday – I rush to her page and quickly type ‘HBD!!!!!!!!’. Hoping she’ll see my profound love for her in those exclamation marks.

No sooner did I say Jack Robinson (i’m sorry) than a message popped up. It was Mindy! heh what’s going on today? Now you believe me when I say my Facebook was peaking.


mindy: hi

me: hae 🙂

*2 days later*

mindy: im mindy u?

me: im mike hw r u (ok. now you know)

*5 days – tasha replies 😀 but now im sooo over her whew alexa play apologize by one republic*

mindy: where u from?

me: nairobi u?

mindy: new york

me: wow! is it snowing there?  (it was august)

*6 days*

me: i like ur pic (she had no profile photo)

mindy: please send me your email. need to talk asap. i hate fb.

Things were getting heavy wueh. Email?!? These were the big guns.


After messaging her my address, I got the laptop and logged into my email. It had just come in – her message of undying love:

Hello dear 🙂

I hope you’re doing well. I’m afraid I’m not quite OK. We’ve just met and I know this is too much to ask of you but I really need you now.

My father went to Northern Nigeria to help in fighting against hunger. Unfortunately the king was not happy with what he was doing so he captured him. My father has been held ransom for 3 months now.

We have contacted the police but they don’t know how to help. We don’t know what to do. My mother and small brother are endlessly crying. So I just hope you will agree to help us.

Please send $50000 to this account….so that the Nigerian king can release my father. Please please please youre my last hope. I will forever be in your debt.


A test of true love. I knew what I had to do. I mean if I didn’t do this, who will bless us at our wedding? I immediately showed mum and dad, explaining everything hoping that they’d see the situation in my perspective.

Wow. I thought they loved me that much. Ati it was a scam. Sijui angaa I can be traced and arrested. Siasa tu! They weren’t aware they were standing in the way of my prosperity. Just plotting for my downfall. Heh! Enyewe kikulacho ki nguoni mwako. (that which eats you is on your own clothes)

Real Talk

SPOILER ALERT: Hi, so this time, I’m doing more of a biopic, so that means less memes and uhhh more crying and gasping so yeah, this should be fun.

Well. There goes 2018.

Decided to do something small before the year ends. Well, this something doesn’t feel small at all, cause I’ve had this draft for like 3 weeks now. Trust me, writing is just something else. I mean, right now its 2 am, I’m in bed, my laptop on my stomach, with the screen at some angle so that I can see the keyboard. I’ve put on an African music playlist, its blasting over the speaker, And I’m deathly afraid that my folks will bust in  It has literally rained for 3 minutes and it just started and stopped when Particula came on. Wow.

As you can clearly see (or read), I’m in shambles.

But you know what, I am so happy I am writing this at this particular moment. Cause man , this year has been something else, my block just hit a record 5 months. 5 months of starting, deleting and having existential crises. (ok so a song has come on, it’s kind of distracting me cause it just sounds like isukuti – traditional Luhya dance – so whew. give me a few minutes)

Where was I, so yeah, 5 months. And it got so crazy hadi I was contemplating shutting down the blog….foreshadowing…… It got better though , Mum kept urging me on and I couldn’t be more grateful. But you know, I was also busy throughout the year with school and constant worrying of every decision I’m making as a young adult: thinking that the world is going to end every time I screw up.

Come to think of it, I don’t think I have actually introduced myself well here. I guess its high time isn’t it. You know what’s crazy is that I agreed to not disclose my identity on the blog. But I advertise new posts through social media which has almost all my info; so it kind of defeats the purpose. Sawa, so I’ll stick to five things:

  1. My name is Allan. Vikiru. 20 years old. Living in Nairobi. Ai this is too much.
  2. If you want to see this face: I have like three old posts on my Instagram – ni za kitambo, I think they are the last ones. I have been doing some 3-post theme thing since like 2016 and I don’t think I’ve changed that much. I think now I have clear skin cause that’s the only compliment I get lol. Water. My secret is water ok.
  3. I love listening to music. Like a lot. In fact you see the way I’m telling you I put an African music playlist – well, it may sound odd but most weekends, I put on playlists before I got to bed. And they’d go on all night. Yup, idk I mean I’d like pass out at the third song or something, and I’m just wasting electricity, but its fun and it’s just a thing I’ve had since I was in primary so, old habits die hard I guess. Oh yeah, and uhhh add me on Apple Music pls thanks.
  4. Currently studying IT. Yup, I’ll be the IT guy even though I feel like I have no idea about how things are going to play out. I mean, I honestly do not know if I have skills. Like last semester, we were doing 3 month projects, and some people’s apps HEH. Gai, anyway. But you know what, I’m still hopeful. Crazy as it sounds, but I’m out to go all the way to the top. Yup, talking bout three degrees baby, I want all the villagers to call me daktari lmao. I’ve told some of my friends and literally all of them have that look of:

    You’ll have a tarmacking buddy guys hahaahahahscrewcapitalismhahaahahah
  5. Ok so here’s a list of things I like I guess. With no context.
    Aquaclear. Prestige – the one with vanilla extract. True Crime. Sanpellegrino. The Office. The babysitter from My Babysitter’s a Vampire that was on Disney (instagram: @vanessamorgan – you’re welcome). HTGAWM. Dirty Computer. Malteasers. Toasted brown bread. Forrest Gump. Dancing in the shower. Vines. Fish and Chips. Rihanna. Subway.

Whew. DONE.

So let me sign off with some things I learnt this year.

  1. PEMDAS stands for Parentheses Exponents Multiplication Division Addition Subtraction. But BODMAS still  rules. PSA means Public Service Announcement or prostate specific antigen used as an indicator of prostate cancer.
  2. Kenya has some very weird leaders and very amazing people. I mean wtf were we thinking on election day. And some of y’all DESERVE ALL THE BLESSINGS WAU UWU.
  3. It gets better. Give it time. Don’t overstretch yourself. Celebrate all achievements – no matter how small they are. Take some time off alone; And some with close family and/or friends – don’t publicize. And listen to yourself. You matter.

Have a Great 2019!

Barbing Chronicles

Hi! It’s my birthday 🙂

And 6 months. I know. I know. Let’s not talk about that please.

Well just as my blogging. I can’t remember the last time I was at the barber’s. sII jUU sInA pEsA smh. I know mmesikia mara nyingi but I still blame all my problems on this capitalist society. Still strongly believe hat as a country, hell as a Continent – if the woke in us Africans jumped out at that time, we stanned Karl Marx; and I swear we’d be on the moon rn. But noooooo, it just had to be-

Nope. I won’t go on because I still need a job and I’d slander prospective employers so….

you’re welcome capitalism!

So last week, I passed by the barbershop. Emphasis on passed by. And honestly I don’t know if this happens to me a lot but I always run into the barber who isn’t my barber but always wants to be my barber because he might be barbing my barber.

LIKE BREH every. single. time. I pita he always tries to get my attention. You know the usual ice-breakers: Habari ya nyumbani?, Wau na hakuna mvua siku hizi. And my all time favourite: Heh, hii economy lakini!

But I always remember this one time, think 2 years ago. Different guy. I intentionally showed I ignored him by texting no one- yeah don’t give me that face. I mean he asked for it. So as I go on typing into the calculator, he goes: Juzi nilikuwa kwa daktari. Akaniambia niko na high blood sugar. WHAT. Sasa unaona naenda surgery India. Kuna harambee inafanyika on the 24th –

I moved barbershops there and then. No turning back. Even though I left my barber there. ITS OKAY. I’LL JUST LET 8-4-4 SHAVE ME AS MY HAIR FALLS OFF FOR THIS DEGREE.

Speaking of barber, it took me some time before I found the perfect one; the ying to my yang; the sun to my moon, the poles to my earth, the moth to my flashlight (remember that wave that went on earlier this year?? that was intense)

So the first time I didn’t actually realise that I needed my own barber. Until that fateful day I’ll  always remember vividly – when 12 year old me walked into the shop and pointed at number 12: I am not going to say what it was; listen it was a very confusing time- I was just at the threshold of puberty and a lot of bad decisions were made. And this one I am taking it TO THE GRAVE. OK FINE IT WAS FREAKING BLONDE CHRIS BROWN


now that that’s off my chest.
Well the guy crafted his art to perfection. whew – and it worked for a solid 6 hours until when I finally went home and was ‘advised to stop that nonsense’. So here’s the crazy part (usually when someone says this, they’re just clutching onto straws. like i am hahahaahahahgivemeabreakhahaahahaha) , I go back to the shop and I don’t find him there. At first I was like ok fine, it was the night shift or whatever so he’ll be there tomorrow. But guess what, HE WASN’T FREAKING THERE. 3 days, 1 week, 3 weeks. Hell, I even went to school for a 3 month term and still, nada. So I ask around and he was apparently a fugitive ?!?!?!?!?!? He just came from Isiolo and he was stopping over at Nai before he went on to TZ or sth idk.

THE NERVE. I mean you come into my life for a day – a single day, make my mum start questioning God about my existence and then you just waltz away to another country. UGH MEN.

For two years I went all over Nairobi hoeing myself at all manner of shops for haircuts.

Until I finally landed this place. OH WOW. Spirit nilipakwa ilikuwa deluxe version whew. Nikapakwa exotic oils lol na kuoshwa and all – hadi nikapata head massage. HEAD MASSAGE. ??????? I believe it was from then that my broke ass self decided I’ll be leading an unnecessary expensive lifestyle yenye hainipeleki mbali.
I’m telling you I didn’t know how to act. The following week I came back for the HEAD MASSAGE (still in caps cause ?????????) and guess what. The place turned into a college. A MF BUSINESS TRAINING INSTITUTE. Like i-

I even entered the place thinking they pushed the shop to the back or they hid it in a kabati or something. Ai Nairobi!

Well the next place I went to is where I met the guy who had a harambee, where I found my barber xox. Then I moved again – and luckily I STILL FOUND MY GUY AHHHHHH

Apparently he also moved from there cause of the ‘hostile working environment’ lmaooo. It just had to be the harambee guy. Anyway, it’s all smooth sailing now when it comes to matters about my hair. It’s just me that I’m misbehaving smh.

Shower Thoughts: Part 2 (Pensées de douche: Partie Deux) haha shower in French is douche. okay why am I still writing in the title?


If you notice, this is my first ‘part 2’ of sorts. Yeah, I get irked by these details. (just google the meaning of irk i know you want to). It’s beacuse when I started this blog, I sat down and told myself:

*yes it’s a blockquote and we’ve just started. this post is going to be a good one, i think*

me: okay, aLLaN. (yes, i’m allan with 2 L’s. lets not start this conversation now pls)
we’ll be posting new content EVERY WEEK. and have like 4 categories, one per week. and also different different topics all together. hakuna kosokoso ya ati oooh continuations over 3 months. brain, i leave the creativity in your capable hands, capiche? (is that how it’s written? or is it, capish? no no that’s sounds wrong, i even felt weird typing it , anyway)

my brain: ditto

Well, shock on me, my lack of commitment and unwillingness to certain issues started creeping up on me like:


and now i’m just a huge slob in terms of my writing. It’s like how your parents/teachers or whatever grown up told you you’d meet your husband/wife in university. lmaooo WHAT A SCAM. I knew I had been fooled when I actually missed the deadline to one of the assignments earlier on in the semester and from then on it’s just gone downhill.

Where were we? oh yaaa shower thoughts…


  1. I don’t know about you, but have you ever had these action-packed dreams, that you kind of want it to end but you also don’t want it to end? Most of the time, it may involve violence, blood, a ton of drama and dare I say limited technology? (unless you dream about hacking, then you’re weird). So can I say like a Quentin Tarantino flick – you know, this western one…uhh.. Django Unchained! yeah, another one, Pulp Fiction? If you’ve watched then you know what I’m talking about then oh my goodness, you’re amazing. Yes, you are.. go on, tell your neighbour I am amazing and so are you. If you told your neighbour and you haven’t watched any well:image2
  2. Numero dos? Personally, I am amazed by the power of imagination, creativity and what a view (i have been waiting to use that phrase all my life. i can now officially say that i have peak-; no. no. nope, scratch that, it’s wrong) so… blah blah blah creativity and what a view et cetera (now i have peaked) Anyway, its fascinating how the human mind can make up crazy scenarios and we’d get a sense of fulfillment and overemotional; for example, I have this tendency of getting way too excited over mentally spending money that I haven’t received yet or don’t have.

    But this can also be kind of disadvantageous when you overthink in a negative way. Creating situations that break you rather than build you emotionally and it ends up spiralling out of hand. I’d like to point out that so far this year, I have learnt that I am not the only one having such upsetting moments. And much as it sucks, it is human. Literally everyone experiences it, and although it may not be everyone, at least some people understand. And from a friend to another, I’d recommend you talk to that person you can confde in, who trusts your opinion and msot of all who won’t judge you based on your decisions and thoughts. =)

    Thanks for coming to my TedTalk.

  3.  Lastly, do you ever have your brain cell. THE ONE BRAIN CELL that carries out your daily functionalities as a human being. THAT VOICE. it is the voice that is telling me to write this *cue x-files theme song* (tbh i’ve never watched x files, i’m just guessing so don’t @ at me)

    patty: well allan technically the brain is made up of millions of cells, and the voice residing in your intellect is your consc….
    vOiCe ReSiDiNg iN yOuR InTeLLeCt…. SHUT UP PATTY


    anywho, there are a lot of things that activate “that voice” like regret about things in my uneventful past. Like personally, at the end of a day we had like a test or an exam or whatever, it literally haunts me whether I had written my  answer sheet details correctly. But fr it is scary as hell knowing that someone out there knows you as the fool who flopped his exam including his OWN personal information.

I’d go on but I’m beat so I guess I’m done? idk
Good Night! Good Morning! or Good Day! Pick appropriately, depending on your time zone. And remember to look both sides before crossing a road.



Let me start off by saying that I personally have nothing against these guys. I always appreciate guys who are willing to go the extra kilometre (not mile – i have personal reasons) to get  that kashilling. If you’re reading this, just know at the back of your amazing head that ilysfm and with that I hope my love kills you.


So now that that is out of the way; DARN some of YOU MARKETERS.

Why are you all up in my emotions and wallet? You know very well that I’m a broke ass boi but guess what Sandra, I will still sign up for tennis lessons. 5k a session; transport and lunch excluded? wHy NoT?

I’ve just remembered about this one time; goddamn my reaction made me scared of myself. It was at a mall – I was from shopping and my hands were full of bags and everything – confusion! So this guy approaches me, idk what he was selling but all I remember was that he just went “Hi :’)”

my three brain cells in unison were like:


So I bolt to the car and lock the doors.


wau. But one thing I’ve always learned is that your appearance matters. Weh! I went to the Maasai market at Capital Centre another time; and heh you can say I was looking like a snack (exhales)


I stopped at a stall admiring their stuff and the owner approached me:

(gosh it’s been long since i used a blockquote for conversations AHHHHHHH)

saleslady: afternoon! how are you doing today? 😀
me: i’m good, what about you? 🙂
s: i’m okay. i’m anne. welcome to my stall.
m: thanks anne.
anne: seen anything you like? you can take it back with you to the US?
m: oh no, no. i mean yes i have seen something but sorry i’m not american.
a: my apologies. so where are you from?
me (using my brain smartness and wit): i’m from senegal haha.
a: wow nice!
me (going back to look through stuff – she had a lot of stuff) : oui hhahah
a: okay okay. (looking for a topic to but time) so, quelle est votre opinion sur le capitalisme? (so what is your take on capitalism?)


ya’ll have changed the game lmao.

Idk if what I’m going to say will sound rude but in case it gets to your emotions and messes up you chakra and stuff; it wasn’t me (refer to paragraph one).
I kind of developed 4 tactics of dealing with marketers: the iPhone Test Run. Split the iPhone into i and Phone: I did that to piss off some people. I won’t say – coughsomeofmyinsecurecoughandroiduserfriendscough

  • I – Eye Contact: One – don’t think you’ll get away just by simply ignoring them and moving on with your life like nothing happened. Fam this is an art that is crafted over time. It takes years of mastery. So if you aren’t ready; here’s a tip. Look at them straight in the eye until it causes chaos and confusion; and when you’re sure the contact is broken, do a dramatic exit.


giphy (4)

  • Phone- Use your Phone: Its in the name really. Whenever they approach you with their pitch or whatever, pretend you have a friend who cares about your welfare and ‘pick their call’. Then say that you’re friend’s girlfriend’s boyf- (you know where I’m going with this) is dying. Works every time.


  • Test – Avoid Testing: Issa trap! One time this guy at the mall sampled some sausages being advertised. So after each piece, when the seller asks him; “Ok sir, now will you try it out at home by buying a packet?”; he replies: “Hold on” *pops another one in his mouth*. He legit had lunch at the sausage cart cause he downed a whole 10 pack. I’m serious btw. The seller was like this calling the store manager:and the guy was forced to buy 3 packs of sausages. Well he said he didn’t mind so I guess its a win-win.
  • Run – …as Fast as You Can.Yes. You should run; take to your heels; head for the hills; get the bag flip it and tumble it. But one thing y’all amateurs should know is that never ever run into a shop in the name of avoiding marketers. Cause know you’ll have to deal with another one – the shopkeeper or the assistants.  Plus they can charge you you know.

Anyway, let me justify myself to these guys into marketing. I repeat it’s not that I disrespect you but some of y’all are just annoying af.  I’ve had incidents where some of them come up to my face. Like literally in my face; and I have glasses, I mean wtf couldn’t you see there’s a lot going on there with the blindness, the pimples and the ugliness smh. Another unprofessional oaf walked with me for quite a distance; like from the centre of the mall to the parking lot. I had earphones on, and I went on texting ( a clear message of idgaf) ;  that’s when this dimwat decides to grab my attention so HE WENT ON READING MY CONVERSATION OUT LOUD. So I remove one earpiece, then he switches to pitch his idea?! OMG THAT WAS GRE – so my friend these herbs….


Lastly, since I told you marketers how much ily. Let me give you this tip. I bet that out of 50 people, 3 will be interested in your product. And I guess you’re charged a commission say 2 shillings a flyer and you’re given 500 of them. Instead of giving inconsiderate humans who’ll just litter ; you can’t give out like 50 then you distrivbute the rest in dustbins? Cause that’s where they’ll end up anyway.
Hey, don’t tell anyone I told you that. But I still claim intellectual property, so if this gets you so rich – like pyramid scheme rich – usinisahau :’)