How to (Not) Deal with Your Resolutions

Since the earth is 4.54 billion years old; Happy 4,540,000,018 ± 50,000,000! I thought 4,540,000,000,017 ± 50,000,000 would ever end. okay I’m done. (you see, this is why I prefer to write comedy rather than say it out loud. because I won’t get booed off stage and lead on to a great mental and physical depression that would leave me paralyzed causing donkeys to fly. hallelujah!)

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In other news, last month I did a generic survey on Instagram about this blog. Thanks again for participating; looking forward to great stuff this 4,540,000,018 ± 50,000,000 (yes, i’ve refused to let go of this cheesy joke).
Small change though – I’ll minimise on the use of emojis. Why? Cause editing has become strenous af and WordPress seems not to be doing anything about it so…boo! Boo! WordPress. So to make you guys feel better here’s a tweet that I’m definitely sure it will hide the fact that I’m too lazy to edit:

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But get ready for more memes so I guess it’s a win.

Anyway, we are already 2 weeks in the new year and pretty sure most of you guys have already given in on whatever it is you’re trying to change about your life. Well, I for one, I’m quite satisfied with mine – even though I’ve escaped death like thrice and it’s still knocking on my door. Yes, I’ve had near death experiences. Nilidhani I’ve already talked about that. Eeeh I did; the time I jumped out of a slay king’s car. And another time, an intoxicated elephant of a relative jumped on top of me from 4 to 8 am. I’m telling you nimeishi maisha. The last time I doubt sijawaambia, I almost died when I found out Wes from How to Get Away with Murder was actually murdered. That ish sucks man!

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Back to storyyyy…. let me not take much of your time and just run down ways of postponing your goals to 2019 or 2045 or whenever…

  • Don’t feel like losing weight anymore? Well simple, have a snack by your bed – or under your bed so that its easier to reach food instead of walking all the way the kitchen. Trust me it works – until rats make a home in ya mattress.
  • Instead of getting up to go to the gym, run or exercise – you can always rewatch your favourite series and/or movies that will definitely keep in you in bed. Testimony: I actually bought a pair of a bit loose but fitting track pants, so that I can jog or run every morning. But I think the trousers themselves also knew that wasn’t going to happen so, they got a new purpose. They are my comedy pants, which as by the name goes, I watch comedies in them. Friends, Futurama, My Wife and Kids – I’ve watched them alllll…but halfway into Modern Family season 8, I couldn’t fit in them and now they hold up my mosquito net. Life’s hard.
  • Number three, if you want to get cuffed this year. 3 things. One, use one app. Especially Twitter relationships; WhatsApp is a no-no. Deux, stop friendzoning each other; it’s just sad. And lastly, some of us just need to change our faces. We’re hella ugly lol. wErE hElLa UgLy LoL
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  • So you want a new phone. And week after week you uber to the same club, drink yourself silly till 5 am, smoke shi- (oh wait. lmao), and uber back. Then you still have the nerve to complain about the economy on Twitter.
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  • For those who are still out for that First Class Honours or driver’s license; no biggie – I mean you can always miss classes and learn on YouTube.
  • And finally, you vowed to reduce on social media and yet sis on January 1st 9 a.m., there you were on Snapchat and Instagram with the same bead status that you had put on WhatsApp about fake friends. Congrats. You’re really are winningi6r5VDO.gif

Bottom line is, no harm done, we’re all friends here and it might seem I’ve highlighted your trashy self – well welcome to the club! Like fr, I’m still carrying 2012 problems so it’s easy.

Great Year Ahead!

 

 

 

 

 

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To a Year and a Quarter

Wozap.

Yes, its been 1 and 1/4 years and 2000 views of writing online. First of all, thank you for this. It honestly means a lot and I guess I was to write some sort of appreciation post so here it goes.(but don’t get it twisted, i’m not writing some emotional junk so chill. in fact i’ll bless you with a gallery of memes i wont even use emojis)

So. 2017. My God. I think this year has been the most that I have interacted with my village people. No Kelly, I’m not possessed. It’s like I think I have just found a new hobby- collecting Ls.This is literally my life now.

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Like just last week – I fell down 5 times consecutively. Yes 5! And EVERYWHERE. In school. Entering the car. In a mall. Coming out of a KFC. I mean it got so serious until my injured butt had an intervention on Friday. And it kind of worked till 10:38 pm when i legit tripped on the stairs like…

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but I’m fine now for those concerned about my health. And speaking of health; I don’t know about you but have you ever experienced this sudden sharp stabbing pain in one of your organs. Yeah, the one that makes you think: so this is the end huh

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Anyway. This two similar memes are mine of the year. For obvious reasons I won’t dwell into.

But things I’ll dwell into are these;

  • Your Barber is Your Barber
    I personally believe that for a man, a barber is more than just a hair engineer. Your barber is like that long lost twin brother that got separated from you when you were born. I think that once a man meets his barber, its like the stars align, the world becomes in sync, and your life has just began. Yes, forget crap about birth, this is the real deal. Mess up once and trust me, that’s when you’ll know that there are evil people out there. So every time he does this:
    barber-be-like-turn-ya-head-5618767.pngremember it’s out of love

 

  • Twitter is Soul Food.
    I honestly don’t know where to start. This place is magical. I swear, I can’t name another place on the Internet…(you know what, hold that thought). I can’t think of a better app…(no, not yet) uhh, it’s the best social media platform – yes! (phew). Proof?
  • Forget Rihanna, if You’re African, then Your Parents are the Most Powerful Humans on The Planet.
    I think most of you have experience in this and I’m sure I mentioned it earlier on so I won’t explain further. Plus you should know how shook I am writing about this in their house.

 

  • Eating Junk Makes You Husky not Fat.
    Every single time, I stop by Steers, or Domino’s or literally wherever as long as I’m buying junk food – I convinced myself this; and I actually have the statistics to back me up. See last month, I went to the hospital and checked my weight, I had a heated debate with my psyche about whether I had gained or lost since last year. So after digging into my memory – the part that has song lyrics (yes -concrete truth here) and I ‘found out’ that I had ‘maintained’.
    And I think its because I also live the fit life. I mean who needs to pay for a gym when I climb a lot of stairs in school, at home and in malls for free. Also, the salad and veggies restaurants give in burgers; call me the veggie king. Plus – healthy living is all about sleep and a lot of liquids; and this guy has more than plenty of that. Sleep – wow average of 100/168 hours a week and I mean – if I weren’t human, I’d be river or something; but with lots of chemicals and food colours.
    And lastly…

 

  • Trust The Process.
    Be a wave. Go with the flow. Okay yes, have priorities and all but still, take it easy. Like even though you and your friends have this kind of relationship with each other:
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    Its never that serious so chill tf out.

 

I’ll close this off with one last meme. Of how I’m lying to myself that this is how I’ll treat my 2014 problems in 2018:

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See you next year! (yes, I said that lynch me)

Nostalgia…5.0: “when i almost got arraigned”

Ha! Shele! The days of yonder…

So this just happened YESTERDAY.
I was out shopping. Juu ni Black Friday na I wanted to look cool cause I’ll also be going ‘Black Friday Shopping’.💆🏿 But I wasn’t going to take any chances, so nikaenda mitumba…

Sa I was walking around South B and then passed by some vendor – he didn’t look thaaaaat familiar – and was very shifty. He had some  freaking weird  look like the one when you fart and everyone in the room smells it so you’re proud of the biological masterpiece that you designed with your body. 😐 (oh please don;t give me that look, we’ve all been there smh). I went to his place and like every other salesperson in Nairobi (and I’m sure in every other African city), he started throwing clothes at me as if I’m that kachair in your room that is supposed to be for reading (yes, we all have that chair)😂

Anyway, out of that wardrobe, I got this jacket, wawu! This is how I felt:

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It was some bomb ass bomber jacket (pun intended).

After paying for it, I walked back home – nikikula tu jua ya mvua – yes, while I was wearing the jacket…Image-1.png

I was listening to Jhene Aiko’s  Trip 😍 kwa amani tu. Until out of the blue, a blue Subaru Outback (okay, i honestly did not plan that one) pulled up on me. Like legit, it drove off the road and blocked me on the sidewalk. I tried moving away and it just kept on blocking my path. It felt like Midtown Madness fam (if you know you know).😅
At some point eventually I gave up on trying to move and stopped. Then weh, kamtu kenye kalitoka – OML, akaslay king kakatoka. You all know the Slay Kings of 2017 so I will not go into detail about that…

But I’ll go into detail about this:
So he stepped out of the car, claiming that the jacket is his. In his odd explanation, he brought out the fact that he has an ACCA, a cat called Steve and was waiting for his order for a shaving kit from Jumia – and he’s beardless. 😩 Oh, and also how he was robbed of half his wardrobe on Tuesday. I mean who does a heist on a Tuesday? 🤔Kwanza after the KCB Thika story. I guess they were motivated….

Kumbe, he had actually labelled his jacket, fr he stitched his name on it, like in high school…ah.😂 He went on starting to threaten me again, dishing out his rights, preaching to me the constitution. Why tf dies this always happen to me btw. But this time it got real…he removed his phone and started making calls. My face legit froze when I heard : ‘ah, si nilikuambia atajileta. wacha nikuletee sasa… KE! Ati I was the thief. Cha! I had to start explaining myself, but my mouth was dry af so I was like:

 

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But I explained to him how and where I got his jacket, and luckily he agreed to go with me, he even let me enter his Subaru. Imagine! So we were on the way there, and something just rang in my head. Yes, the voice. It screamed. Shouted. Yelled, Bambafoozled (no there’s no such word). I had no choice.😐

The perfect time was all I needed. Before the bump. I took off the jacket (yes, man’s hot -uggghhhh bad joke but i don’t care). And placed it on the dashboard. Steve’s owner, kept on yapping on how he’ll file a lawsuit and all and at that moment, when he went up the speed hump at 75 km/h, that’s when;

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I ran. I ran home.

Point to Note: Next time I shop, when someone stops you and starts narrating their autobiography; start speaking gibberish so that you look possessed then they’ll be afraid of you and they’ll just run away.😀

 

Being Sick in an African Home

 

Hai. ✋🏿

That’s it. Today I have no backstory or anything. Yup, that’s pretty much my life right now. But it’s still sweet tho. I can’t complain. I mean can’t think of a better Friday night than listening to dvsn on repeat and saving pins on Pinterest. In my warm bed. WiFi full bars. A whole bucket of chicken with me. Yeah. Who’s jealous now huh.💆🏿‍♂️

So last week, I fell ill. Yeah, Fell Ill. Getting sick is sooo 2009. But I’m okay now for those who are concerned.  Imagine I woke up with a running nose and this is exactly how I felt:

LuciousALS.jpg and from then on this was how my week went just like every other time I’ve fallen sick in that house.🤷🏿‍♂️

  • Robb/ Vicks Kingo

Trust me, if you’re an African child this was your friend when you had aaannny type of pain on/in your body. Like straight up, I might be bleeding internally, and if I used this thing I’d heal almost instantly. No lie! Like I remember one time when I was shedding teeth, my dad like forcibly removed i think 3 of them in a row and I remember drinking so much blood I felt like the Egyptians during the plague.😂😂
Anywho, dad just applied some Robb on my gum and the bleeding just stopped. Instantly! 😱 Okay, I’m lying.
But for real I can’t remember at any one instance I fell sick and I got cured without using this thing. Like this time when I had a running nose, I was told to apply on my right knee? Cause it is my bones that have a problem and it’s somehow connected to my lungs? Well, remember rule #1 in an African Household: You’re in your parents’ house. Even if you’re earning or not, who are you to contribute?🤷🏿‍♂️

  • Chores

I’ve just used the word chores for a clear understanding but in African Homes its called your destiny. Even if you move out fam, your folks can still drag your butt inside that house to make them tea. Facts! 😌 Broke your left arm? Aah, si you can still use your right arm and your legs to wash the car. Got chickenpox? Wonderful, your skin can be used to grate carrots.
Okay that’s disgusting. I’m sorry. 😩

  • Concoction/ Mixture of God-Knows-What

Ah yes, idk how you guys call it in your home, but at my place we call it the ‘concoction’. A combination of all the disgusting ingredients you can think of. Served up hot. Not warm. but really hot. Trust me I think it has been one of the best DIY-s African parents have ever come up with. 👏🏿 Like my cousin bout a year ago got malaria. And he used to chug like whole flasks of this ‘rat poison’ (btw i think it also kills rats) for like 4 days straight. And within a week he was cured. Imagine!
Okay, I’ve officially stopped lying. 😂But if you take it often, it does work and pretty much better than some doctors out there. (no shots fired i love all doctors worldwide, you walking antibiotics 🤗)
If you have no idea of what I’m talking about, just visit a Java (i’m sure you know about that) and ask for Dawa. Its close to it but it still works both ways. (yes i am advertising fyi and i wish i got paid for it 😒)

  • School

Okay. I’ll keep this short and simple. When schools reopen ama hata these tuition centres this holiday or whatever, just go into one and count the number of kids who will have casts and/or bandages all over their body. Fam, children have been hospitalized and they still do exams with a salt drip and a timer next to them. 😭 In short, as long as you’re African and you’re studying wherever; even though you ran mad, ain’t no way you’ll leave school without a degree or certificate.
‘Nuff said.

But we’re still alive tho and that’s good enough to me.🤗
I guess I’m done but look at this meme that describes your childhood:

It’s going to be alright Junior.
Trust me things will get better 😭

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i swear the next wedding i’ll go to, will be mine. 🤦🏿‍♂️

but before i give you guys some super-actionic, ultra visual, most wonderfully but maybe a-biiiiit-too-overreacted-but-still-quite-an-emmy-award-winning-dramatic-episode-and-btw-my-cousin-donald-glover-aka-childish-gambino-won-one-the-other-day-i’m-so-happy-i’m-crying; *breathes in heavily* a meme from twitter:

i know. it’s funny cause it’s happened to most of you. yes? no? okay. 😶

where was i? oh yes! a wedding. aaah i’m now officially retiring from being a wedding guest and/or gate crasher.

so last saturday, lights went at our place and you know how no power can make a man explore. therefore i took my powerbank, phone, handkerchief and earphones and decided to go gate crash the nearest wedding. i know. i done a little plot twist there 🙂…

anyway, there i was. at 12.00 noon. in crocs, a vest and shorts. (i’m hot ey) and i had just spotted the neighbouring primary school with tents, a huge V8 with tuflowers all over and what topped it all off was the 5 shuttles that were covered in mud.

luckily i got to a tent with a free seat at the baaack so no one noticed me. the sermon was still going on and just like everyone else , i was about to start snapping about how i’m stuck in this wedding until i noticed the guy next to me. he was freaking CRYING. ok, i know that its the best way to solve your issues but still fam, it’s a wedding i mean its a buffet at someone’s expense.🤷🏿‍♂️

i was in the process of ignoring him when he literally collapsed on me in the middle of his breakdown.

“concerned” me: fam, what’s up?
crier: what’s wrong with my life *cries in crescendo*
me: what’s wro…

(interrupts with loud crying and the conversation went on for about half an hour)

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so apparently this guy is the bride’s ex. and they broke up like 2 weeks before she got another guy-who were now getting married. 😟 I KNOW! he snatched  my handkerchief to blow his nose smh…

anyway, he’ll come later in the storyline. so was it clara…clau..no that’s not it umm…clementine! ah yes, clementine and uh..her husband, do you care about him? exactly. okay i’ll use dan; so they said their vows, signed the certificates and whatnot and now it was time for the real deal. the reception… oh my gosh bless the cooks and the wedding committee of dan weds clementine for making that meal. 😩 like it was gordon-ramsey certified. true story! i mean NO ONE didn’t stuff their paper bags with food cause okay one, obviously they didn’t want to spoil the one they got – dang those things are expensive! and two , you only experience heaven once so.🤷🏿‍♂️

then came the dancing+gift giving. and this is when it all started crashing down. well, not really cause i danced with the bride but you’ll see… well, apparently i sat at the bride’s family tent and dear old granny forced me to dance along with them…ati to add some bass in their song. 😂 and so i went ahead, danced until it got to the bride…well this happened;

clementine: my gosh, who are you and what are you doing in these premises. i’ll alert the national police you know. according to section 5(a)…
(apparently clementine is  a lawyer and unfortunately not a very good one so our conversation went on like i was talking to the nduthi guy on mombasa road – just full of ‘eehs’, ‘enyewes’ and ‘mmmhs’ )

and that’s how the mc got to know my name. and announce it as the guy to give a speech on behalf of the bride’s family. this is how you know your destiny is being used as a shoebrush.😭

so i was on my way to the podium, thinking of how to start praise and worship. not only had i grabbed the mic to sing than the crying ex came out of the blue. (wauu that english) so the guy came: STOP! STOP THIS BS! he came up to clementine and caused a huge scene with lots of words and all i remember was the last part, when he freaking poured RED WINE on her wedding dress. 🙆🏿‍♂️ then dan (her husband, i knew you won’t remember him) landed with blows on his face. yeah, it was hilarious…

with all my smarts duh, i embraced wokeness and decided to disappear in such times of trouble…

Steve-Carell-Clap-Wow.gif rumors are that kina clementine will move into my court. somebody pass the petrol we light thishouse on fire.💆🏿‍♂️🔥

Being an Insomniac

PS.
What you are about to read may shock you. May haunt you. It may even terrify you! But naah, you’ll just end up laughing and looking like a total idiot to the guys around you. 🤷🏿‍♂️You might. Just might start questioning your life choices.

 Idk about you but this has been me of late:

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and its cause I literally slept for 8 minutes.😭😭

Na kabla tuendelee, please, this article doesn’t involve any beating, grinding or mincing, so pls kama ulikuwa unangoja 🙄:

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Anyway, sleepless nights for me isn’t a new thing. It started way back when we had a family sleepover. You know that one where all the relatives and neighbors of you current generation spend the night at your place; maybe cause there’s a wedding the next day and then after the ceremony you find out that the newlyweds’ honeymoon is at your place. Yes, tis’ a crazy world.😪

So point is, it was my uncle’s 4th wedding and everyone crashed at my crib. (yes 4th don’t judge. do you only wear outfit in a week?🤔 exactly.) Sa si it was time to sleep, and us kids were cooped up on mattresses in the sitting room. And before I could say skiridipop burdapa pa pa brrda popopop pop 😂😂 (to relate to this joke on my mans Shaq and more pls visit the rest of the internet thanks), there was a freaking kid who was SLEEP-TALKING. Man I have never been more afraid of anything in my life. And that’s how I stopped watching Courage the Cowardly Dog. (yes now you know the truth; tie me to an avocado tree 😒). I slept through the wedding cause I couldn’t sleep at night. Fam, it was so serious that the wedding photos I was in, my eyes ranged from half to full shut. Guess I can cross Ruin Family Moments off my bucket list.😌

Speaking of half-shut, when I was 9, I slept over at another of my cousins’ over the holidays and I woke up to take a dump at around 3 (everyone knows the best dumps are the 3am ones 😉). When I came back to the room, I want to go up the double decker something catches my eye. It was on my cousin’s *Mike’s bed. Idk but from where I was standing I saw – what was that evil monkey on Powerpu- yes MOJO JOJO. 😖 An exact replica. With the green eyes, the kilemba and the hair and everything (yeah, i know i have weird family members)
Kumbe the guy had a weird disease going on – which apparently wasn’t contagious. So how is it spre…you know what let’s not go into that. But bro, sikulala hiyo siku. I stayed up hadi asubuhi till my corneas and ish got freaking dry. And that my friends was how I got specs. Wow I’m really opening up to y’all ey 🤗 …

Scene #3: This was when I watched my first horror movie: Mama – the 2013 one. If you’ve not heard about it, it’s the serious version of this Scary Movie 5 which was pure BS. If only it were banned like paper bags.🙄
Anyway, I was
ut for another cousin of mine (hey i’m African; everyone’s my cousin) who was out drinking; yet he had reached his folks’ month’s limit. In an African home, a child’s age is only for use when comparing with other kids of the same age group.🤷🏿‍♂️
So I put the movie at around 1 o’clock and it ran all the way till 2:30-ish. After which I spent half an hour locked up in my room…it was serious, I was this close to crap on myself but no. That night, I’d still have a bit of manhood left so that I can effectively exaggerate the story…

And then I lost all of it again.

4.00am. At this time I was in bed – sore from a gazillion mosquito bites. I remember I got bit so much hadi nikaanza kujishuku that I’ve made a new disease. 😩 Anywho,  I hear a loud thud downstairs and what do I do out of instinct. Hide under the blanket. Like honestly;

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So a lot of commotion went on and eventually I decided to go downstairs. Armed with what? My pillow and a can of Doom. Okay, the doom was a good weapon, but the pillow doe; to rest in comfort not peace 😙🎶 *badumtss.
I get to the sitting room. Its dark as eff, smells like a pub and sounds are coming from literally everywhere. The smell gave it away, I knew *Joe was home. I decide to do an all-out attack. From all directions. Throwing everything all around me. Obviously it didn’t work. Pretty much like Nairobi’s traffic. No matter what route you’ll use you’ll be held up. Even if you are flying. There’s jam in the air.
Eventually I find the switch. And I guess that made Joe freak out and he pounced at me, tackling to the ground and just passed out on top of me. 🙆🏿‍♂️ So I lied there, at 4:37 am. Fully awake. With restricted blood flow cause of the overweight brewery that is on me. One question that bothered me and it still does; is how the eff did his folks sleep through all of that? I would ask them. But they’re not talking to me. Imagine his mum is the only aunt who is not my friend on Facebook.🤦🏿‍♂️ Hata sisikii uchungu…😭

The last reason I lack sleep is just the fact that I get hungry af at night. I don’t even have anything to support that but to say; even a parked car needs fuel right? 😶 Am I right? Yes? No? Okay …

Well, congrats you’ve read 970 words. Now you can add this to your list of books you’ve read in 2017 just after Narcos Season 3. You’re Welcome. 🤗

How to be a Pathological Liar

Happy September! ✌🏿

Guess who’s baaaack… Annalise Keating😍 + everyone else in Narcos apart from Pablo (well, he died duh😒)
So you didn’t know Narcos season 3 is out. Well now you do, you’re welcome. At least it will neutralize the GoT guys. 😙🎶
That doesn’t matter anyway cause why…we got another election coming up. Like bruh, 2017 has been long enough. I mean so much has happened including a whole BAN on paper bags. Like Beyonce’s twins will freaking join campus before we get a standing President. 🤦🏿 But who am I to complain? Nimekuwa holiday for 2/3 of the year so 💁🏿

And now a 9gag meme

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ok, back to topic…

Kenya ya siku hizi, you just can’t trust anyone. Like seriously just earlier on this week, I told a guy alipe deni yake. And guess what he told me : “Ebu, tungoje ruling ya Supreme Court alafu tutaongea”. Sa si Friday imeisha and then he says: “Waah, sikujua kutakuwa na re-election manze, si tuone siku IEBC itaamua tuvote halafu nikusort.” smh🙄
But instead of kuwachwa nyuma, I’m here to share with you tips. Yes 5 tips that will help you in coming up with smooth curves. You’ll become the curve-r and not the curve-e *badumtss. 😂That joke my friends, is for the chosen few.

  1. Don’t give out much details. So you do want to go to your fam’s roach infested bedsitter (name withheld), si lazima useme unaendea sijui tonsil transplant in Ukraine. Just say, no I got a family thing or no, I have a doctor’s appointment (at 8 pm, yes if someone tells you this, i recommend that you find new friends) But they are logical aren’t they?🤷🏿
  2. People are talking about some messed up experience they had and you have no freaking idea of what’s going on. Well simple, contribute by saying that you had some long distant relative like your mum’s aunt’s sister’s dog’s boyfriend did whatever your friend (s) did and voila, cooked story!🍲 For example:

    Friend: Btw did I tell you I went to SA?
    Me: Naah.
    Friend: I didn’t tell you waah, it was fun, you’ve ever been there?
    M: No but my relative my mum’s aunt’s sister’s dog’s boyfriend (yes i just copy-pasted that) did…
    F: Fr, did he go to Cape Town?
    M: Yeah, he even bought capes there.
    F: And did your mum’s aunt’s sister’s dog’s boyfriend go to Sun City?
    M: Eeh, he even took a train to Moontown afterwards.
    F: Wueh, si he had money!
    M: Yeah, he’s so rich he even has shares on the actual moon…

    Seeing my point now?🙃

  3. If possible, say things that the person can’t be familiar with, such that anaanza kujishuku…

    Friend: Tell me you’ve watched House of Cards…
    Clueless Me: Yeah, of course, its about that magician yeah..
    F: No?
    M: Sorry, different House of Cards…
    F: Anyway, you remember that time that Frank pushed that journalist chick into the train? (HoC what’s good)
    M: Yeah, he made her disappear..
    F: Naah bro, he freaking pushed her onto a moving train…
    M: I don’t think so, you si you watch series and text at the same time I don’t think you noticed…
    F: I swear I did aki… are you sure…
    M: Eeh…its all over the internet. Even the official site says so. Labda quality ilikuwa shida…
    F: BTW… I guess it makes sense. And that’s why its a HOUSE OF CARDS! (raises hand for hi-five)
    M: (not believing how it worked while hi-fiving ) Yeahhhh…                                                                                              😁

  4. Lie with a straight face. Not circular or triangular. Use a ruler if you can. I’m sorry, I can’t help it with these dank jokes. I have another one…
    Is the pool safe for diving? Idk, it deep ends…
    Yes? No? Ok.😩
  5. If it looks like your boat of lies is sinking then abandon ship. Yaani, go off to another topic. Unataka kuaibika. Uwekwe Twitter. Ukuwe meme alafu utrend. OK, that doesn’t sound bad but still…you get my point. Hopefully. Cause I don’t.
  6. Yes there’s number 6. I lied.🤗
    Sometimes you don’t have to lie. Kama mbele ya Court. Au mzazi. Especially African parents. Wawu! Jaribu if you want to wake up with a tail.😭

And after all of this, kumbuka repentance ndio key. Unless my friend you want to do somersaults to hell on Judgement Day 😂…

Btw you already knew that we have been blogging for 1 year now…
Thanks bloooood. 😙I feel like… like… crying (sobs in Swahili).
Like on a very sincere level, I appreciate all of you for making this work out, and the drive to keep on writing.
And I hope that my content changes someone’s day out there.❤

Cheers to one year and many more. 🥂