Barbing Chronicles

Hi! It’s my birthday 🙂

And 6 months. I know. I know. Let’s not talk about that please.

Well just as my blogging. I can’t remember the last time I was at the barber’s. sII jUU sInA pEsA smh. I know mmesikia mara nyingi but I still blame all my problems on this capitalist society. Still strongly believe hat as a country, hell as a Continent – if the woke in us Africans jumped out at that time, we stanned Karl Marx; and I swear we’d be on the moon rn. But noooooo, it just had to be-

Nope. I won’t go on because I still need a job and I’d slander prospective employers so….

you’re welcome capitalism!

So last week, I passed by the barbershop. Emphasis on passed by. And honestly I don’t know if this happens to me a lot but I always run into the barber who isn’t my barber but always wants to be my barber because he might be barbing my barber.

LIKE BREH every. single. time. I pita he always tries to get my attention. You know the usual ice-breakers: Habari ya nyumbani?, Wau na hakuna mvua siku hizi. And my all time favourite: Heh, hii economy lakini!

But I always remember this one time, think 2 years ago. Different guy. I intentionally showed I ignored him by texting no one- yeah don’t give me that face. I mean he asked for it. So as I go on typing into the calculator, he goes: Juzi nilikuwa kwa daktari. Akaniambia niko na high blood sugar. WHAT. Sasa unaona naenda surgery India. Kuna harambee inafanyika on the 24th –

I moved barbershops there and then. No turning back. Even though I left my barber there. ITS OKAY. I’LL JUST LET 8-4-4 SHAVE ME AS MY HAIR FALLS OFF FOR THIS DEGREE.

Speaking of barber, it took me some time before I found the perfect one; the ying to my yang; the sun to my moon, the poles to my earth, the moth to my flashlight (remember that wave that went on earlier this year?? that was intense)

So the first time I didn’t actually realise that I needed my own barber. Until that fateful day I’ll  always remember vividly – when 12 year old me walked into the shop and pointed at number 12: I am not going to say what it was; listen it was a very confusing time- I was just at the threshold of puberty and a lot of bad decisions were made. And this one I am taking it TO THE GRAVE. OK FINE IT WAS FREAKING BLONDE CHRIS BROWN

I’M SORRY NOW I’LL HAVE TO K*S.

now that that’s off my chest.
Well the guy crafted his art to perfection. whew – and it worked for a solid 6 hours until when I finally went home and was ‘advised to stop that nonsense’. So here’s the crazy part (usually when someone says this, they’re just clutching onto straws. like i am hahahaahahahgivemeabreakhahaahahaha) , I go back to the shop and I don’t find him there. At first I was like ok fine, it was the night shift or whatever so he’ll be there tomorrow. But guess what, HE WASN’T FREAKING THERE. 3 days, 1 week, 3 weeks. Hell, I even went to school for a 3 month term and still, nada. So I ask around and he was apparently a fugitive ?!?!?!?!?!? He just came from Isiolo and he was stopping over at Nai before he went on to TZ or sth idk.

THE NERVE. I mean you come into my life for a day – a single day, make my mum start questioning God about my existence and then you just waltz away to another country. UGH MEN.

For two years I went all over Nairobi hoeing myself at all manner of shops for haircuts.

Until I finally landed this place. OH WOW. Spirit nilipakwa ilikuwa deluxe version whew. Nikapakwa exotic oils lol na kuoshwa and all – hadi nikapata head massage. HEAD MASSAGE. ??????? I believe it was from then that my broke ass self decided I’ll be leading an unnecessary expensive lifestyle yenye hainipeleki mbali.
I’m telling you I didn’t know how to act. The following week I came back for the HEAD MASSAGE (still in caps cause ?????????) and guess what. The place turned into a college. A MF BUSINESS TRAINING INSTITUTE. Like i-

I even entered the place thinking they pushed the shop to the back or they hid it in a kabati or something. Ai Nairobi!

Well the next place I went to is where I met the guy who had a harambee, where I found my barber xox. Then I moved again – and luckily I STILL FOUND MY GUY AHHHHHH

Apparently he also moved from there cause of the ‘hostile working environment’ lmaooo. It just had to be the harambee guy. Anyway, it’s all smooth sailing now when it comes to matters about my hair. It’s just me that I’m misbehaving smh.

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Shower Thoughts: Part 2 (Pensées de douche: Partie Deux) haha shower in French is douche. okay why am I still writing in the title?

Hey.

If you notice, this is my first ‘part 2’ of sorts. Yeah, I get irked by these details. (just google the meaning of irk i know you want to). It’s beacuse when I started this blog, I sat down and told myself:

*yes it’s a blockquote and we’ve just started. this post is going to be a good one, i think*

me: okay, aLLaN. (yes, i’m allan with 2 L’s. lets not start this conversation now pls)
we’ll be posting new content EVERY WEEK. and have like 4 categories, one per week. and also different different topics all together. hakuna kosokoso ya ati oooh continuations over 3 months. brain, i leave the creativity in your capable hands, capiche? (is that how it’s written? or is it, capish? no no that’s sounds wrong, i even felt weird typing it , anyway)

my brain: ditto

Well, shock on me, my lack of commitment and unwillingness to certain issues started creeping up on me like:

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and now i’m just a huge slob in terms of my writing. It’s like how your parents/teachers or whatever grown up told you you’d meet your husband/wife in university. lmaooo WHAT A SCAM. I knew I had been fooled when I actually missed the deadline to one of the assignments earlier on in the semester and from then on it’s just gone downhill.

Where were we? oh yaaa shower thoughts…

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  1. I don’t know about you, but have you ever had these action-packed dreams, that you kind of want it to end but you also don’t want it to end? Most of the time, it may involve violence, blood, a ton of drama and dare I say limited technology? (unless you dream about hacking, then you’re weird). So can I say like a Quentin Tarantino flick – you know, this western one…uhh.. Django Unchained! yeah, another one, Pulp Fiction? If you’ve watched then you know what I’m talking about then oh my goodness, you’re amazing. Yes, you are.. go on, tell your neighbour I am amazing and so are you. If you told your neighbour and you haven’t watched any well:image2
  2. Numero dos? Personally, I am amazed by the power of imagination, creativity and what a view (i have been waiting to use that phrase all my life. i can now officially say that i have peak-; no. no. nope, scratch that, it’s wrong) so… blah blah blah creativity and what a view et cetera (now i have peaked) Anyway, its fascinating how the human mind can make up crazy scenarios and we’d get a sense of fulfillment and overemotional; for example, I have this tendency of getting way too excited over mentally spending money that I haven’t received yet or don’t have.
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    But this can also be kind of disadvantageous when you overthink in a negative way. Creating situations that break you rather than build you emotionally and it ends up spiralling out of hand. I’d like to point out that so far this year, I have learnt that I am not the only one having such upsetting moments. And much as it sucks, it is human. Literally everyone experiences it, and although it may not be everyone, at least some people understand. And from a friend to another, I’d recommend you talk to that person you can confde in, who trusts your opinion and msot of all who won’t judge you based on your decisions and thoughts. =)

    Thanks for coming to my TedTalk.

  3.  Lastly, do you ever have your brain cell. THE ONE BRAIN CELL that carries out your daily functionalities as a human being. THAT VOICE. it is the voice that is telling me to write this *cue x-files theme song* (tbh i’ve never watched x files, i’m just guessing so don’t @ at me)

    patty: well allan technically the brain is made up of millions of cells, and the voice residing in your intellect is your consc….
    vOiCe ReSiDiNg iN yOuR InTeLLeCt…. SHUT UP PATTY

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    anywho, there are a lot of things that activate “that voice” like regret about things in my uneventful past. Like personally, at the end of a day we had like a test or an exam or whatever, it literally haunts me whether I had written my  answer sheet details correctly. But fr it is scary as hell knowing that someone out there knows you as the fool who flopped his exam including his OWN personal information.

I’d go on but I’m beat so I guess I’m done? idk
Good Night! Good Morning! or Good Day! Pick appropriately, depending on your time zone. And remember to look both sides before crossing a road.

 

Marketers

Let me start off by saying that I personally have nothing against these guys. I always appreciate guys who are willing to go the extra kilometre (not mile – i have personal reasons) to get  that kashilling. If you’re reading this, just know at the back of your amazing head that ilysfm and with that I hope my love kills you.

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So now that that is out of the way; DARN some of YOU MARKETERS.

Why are you all up in my emotions and wallet? You know very well that I’m a broke ass boi but guess what Sandra, I will still sign up for tennis lessons. 5k a session; transport and lunch excluded? wHy NoT?

I’ve just remembered about this one time; goddamn my reaction made me scared of myself. It was at a mall – I was from shopping and my hands were full of bags and everything – confusion! So this guy approaches me, idk what he was selling but all I remember was that he just went “Hi :’)”

my three brain cells in unison were like:

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So I bolt to the car and lock the doors.

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wau. But one thing I’ve always learned is that your appearance matters. Weh! I went to the Maasai market at Capital Centre another time; and heh you can say I was looking like a snack (exhales)

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I stopped at a stall admiring their stuff and the owner approached me:

(gosh it’s been long since i used a blockquote for conversations AHHHHHHH)

saleslady: afternoon! how are you doing today? 😀
me: i’m good, what about you? 🙂
s: i’m okay. i’m anne. welcome to my stall.
m: thanks anne.
anne: seen anything you like? you can take it back with you to the US?
m: oh no, no. i mean yes i have seen something but sorry i’m not american.
a: my apologies. so where are you from?
me (using my brain smartness and wit): i’m from senegal haha.
a: wow nice!
me (going back to look through stuff – she had a lot of stuff) : oui hhahah
a: okay okay. (looking for a topic to but time) so, quelle est votre opinion sur le capitalisme? (so what is your take on capitalism?)
me:

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ya’ll have changed the game lmao.

Idk if what I’m going to say will sound rude but in case it gets to your emotions and messes up you chakra and stuff; it wasn’t me (refer to paragraph one).
I kind of developed 4 tactics of dealing with marketers: the iPhone Test Run. Split the iPhone into i and Phone: I did that to piss off some people. I won’t say – coughsomeofmyinsecurecoughandroiduserfriendscough

  • I – Eye Contact: One – don’t think you’ll get away just by simply ignoring them and moving on with your life like nothing happened. Fam this is an art that is crafted over time. It takes years of mastery. So if you aren’t ready; here’s a tip. Look at them straight in the eye until it causes chaos and confusion; and when you’re sure the contact is broken, do a dramatic exit.

 

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  • Phone- Use your Phone: Its in the name really. Whenever they approach you with their pitch or whatever, pretend you have a friend who cares about your welfare and ‘pick their call’. Then say that you’re friend’s girlfriend’s boyf- (you know where I’m going with this) is dying. Works every time.

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  • Test – Avoid Testing: Issa trap! One time this guy at the mall sampled some sausages being advertised. So after each piece, when the seller asks him; “Ok sir, now will you try it out at home by buying a packet?”; he replies: “Hold on” *pops another one in his mouth*. He legit had lunch at the sausage cart cause he downed a whole 10 pack. I’m serious btw. The seller was like this calling the store manager:and the guy was forced to buy 3 packs of sausages. Well he said he didn’t mind so I guess its a win-win.
  • Run – …as Fast as You Can.Yes. You should run; take to your heels; head for the hills; get the bag flip it and tumble it. But one thing y’all amateurs should know is that never ever run into a shop in the name of avoiding marketers. Cause know you’ll have to deal with another one – the shopkeeper or the assistants.  Plus they can charge you you know.

Anyway, let me justify myself to these guys into marketing. I repeat it’s not that I disrespect you but some of y’all are just annoying af.  I’ve had incidents where some of them come up to my face. Like literally in my face; and I have glasses, I mean wtf couldn’t you see there’s a lot going on there with the blindness, the pimples and the ugliness smh. Another unprofessional oaf walked with me for quite a distance; like from the centre of the mall to the parking lot. I had earphones on, and I went on texting ( a clear message of idgaf) ;  that’s when this dimwat decides to grab my attention so HE WENT ON READING MY CONVERSATION OUT LOUD. So I remove one earpiece, then he switches to pitch his idea?! OMG THAT WAS GRE – so my friend these herbs….

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Lastly, since I told you marketers how much ily. Let me give you this tip. I bet that out of 50 people, 3 will be interested in your product. And I guess you’re charged a commission say 2 shillings a flyer and you’re given 500 of them. Instead of giving inconsiderate humans who’ll just litter ; you can’t give out like 50 then you distrivbute the rest in dustbins? Cause that’s where they’ll end up anyway.
Hey, don’t tell anyone I told you that. But I still claim intellectual property, so if this gets you so rich – like pyramid scheme rich – usinisahau :’)

 

 

I Like Food

The peak of my weekend was when I had KFC the other night while watching Bill Wurtz’ history of the world and history of Japan videos on YouTube (great videos btw). 20 minutes into conspiracy videos that not only make me woke but question everything and everyone and enables me to verify the legality of our current world systems, I passed out on the sitting room couch. 2 hours later, I’m on the floor, and mum wakes me up.

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If I had a shilling for every time I used the phrase “treat yourself” and actually went ahead without spending anything on food or clothing; well damn I guess we’ll never know. Don’t get me wrong, we all deserve some bit, scratch that, a hell lot of self appreciation (you’s the one that matters).

But if you know me very well, you know that I am pretty much very aware of fast food restaurants wherever in this Nairobi. You also know of the number of the Asian instructor YouTube self workout no gym beginner videos I’ve bookmarked (what? why are you looking at me like that? well logically you aren’t looking at me but YOU GET WHAT I MEAN)

Allow me to speak for myself okay. You see, literally anyhting can happen and I’ll still want to eat. Passed a CAT? How about a burger for your victory. The neighbour’s dog died? Damn, maybe a shake to celebrate the passage of life. Hungry? Of course EAT why am i starving myself yet I’m a rather more powerful individual in this capitalist economic system and thus I have to feed so as to survive and continue working a 9-5 20 days a month till my death.

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ok. i need to chill.

But the fact is; I motivate myself via food. I know, it’s a rather risky option healthwise  and it’s financially dumb – like I literally hear the little men living inside my bank card laughing hysterically every time I swipe. Lakini if I may ask you: si the sun rises in the east? Alafu sasa, don’t start interfering with your destiny. (i’m sorry my mind is elsewhere. i’m enjoying some fine pasta rn. ok now i got ketchup allofre hte ketyboared hhghjujk,.;'[;’lsujkl;’. oh ok now its all out 🙂  )

Speaking of which, I’m assuming the guys at Google Earth are just tired of seeing my face in every restaurant. Scratch that – I think I basically run Jumia Food cause the number of orders I make a month wueh

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I know almost all delivery guys of a certain restaurant that I won’t say because it may jeopardise their profession and it may violate their “work ethic” and “code of conduct” or whatever. Plus I ain’t no snitch smh.

But S/O to Sammy; you my friend deserve an air conditioned room in heaven.

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I guess I’m done blessing y’all with gifs for now but hey the moral of the story is that in terms of your dietary habits; YOU DO YOU. You can deal with your morbid cholesterol later.

blurryface chronicles VI

hi.

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did i tell you of the time i warmed tea in the microwave?

so, i was in class four and i got home tired af. gosh i remember i had a rough day back at school. we were all forced to go for this dumb seminar where you’re told how much you have to live for and the future is bright. yuck. so we we’re doing this exercise, which one was it? yeah, the one for: i will make you fisheeers of meen , fishers of men, fisheers of meeen. i’m sure you know it, where all the girls stand up when any word starting with f comes up like fishers and then the boys stand up when a word starting with m comes up like men. who came up with this game tho? is fishers even a word?

anywho, so there i was. invigorated, ready af to shoot up whenever we’d all go meen, forcing out some rancid bass. it started well, personally i had quite a lot of steam idk why, until it all literally came crashing down at the second chorus. so this mf behind me thought it would be funny af to pull my chair behind when i stood up to ‘maaake’ and then i went down fast; so that i could not be caught in the fishers because woah, a boy standing up in a girls part; that was gay lol. and just like a cheap building. i went down. i went down so hard that my insides rearranged themselves. i think i also had an epiphany cause i just sat there like:

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okay where was i. oh the tea, yes the tea. so, i get home, hungry as hell cause i didn’t anything – remember my internal organs were shattered -yeah so i open the fridge and my oh my a dairyland ice cream container. i had already prepared myself psychologically on how i’ll drown my sorrows in ice cream. i opened it majestically and to arrive to what? frozen ndengu (green grams)

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but no, my sorrows came to an end. when i saw breakfast still on the table at 5pm (yeah, my house in those times- there was this “period” which we don’t talk about often) so i poured a cup of tea and then added 2 teaspoons of sugar – if you put more or less than this, visit a therapist. and then i put the cup – with the spoon inside. now okay before you patronize me let me make this clear. it was the first days that we owned a microwave oven, and i was not allowed to even touch it so this was a glorifying experience as far as it went.

i guess you know what happened next. i set the timer to 1 minute. longest minute of my life. and on top of that there was a sudden flash of light; and a ‘ball of fire’ darted inside the oven. listen i was shook. i stood there marvelling at the contraption going on inside that thing and at the same time wondering how i’d get whooped back to the 2030 BC. 15 seconds left and the whole eruption was still going on.if you’re still confused about what’s going on just read this: http://www.todayifoundout.com/index.php/2010/08/why-you-generally-shouldnt-put-metals-in-the-microwave/  ps. the spoon is metallic.

wholeheartedly, i just left the kitchen and went to the family album. i picked out photos of me that would be used for my funeral, as i wrote my eulogy – my time had come. suddenly, i hear the microwave beep and i was just like:

finally it was freaking over. of course i took my tea. kwanza i added like half a loaf of bread. i can’t die hungry ala. it tasted quite metal-ly but meh- we’ve all been down that road. and yes the microwave was damaged; and so was the wiring in the kitchen lmao so cooking was done in the dark for like 2 weeks. of course i was beaten – not to death tho otherwise i wouldn’t be here. and  relatively it wasn’t the worst at that point in time. maybe it’s cause i had too much energy cause i remember a lot of jumping around.

ah, life was good.

 

I Hate Saturdays

OK. The actual title should actually be “Why I Hated Saturdays” but for emphasis purposes and drawing your attention and stuff like that. I hoped it did. Although most of you might not even have an idea of what I’m talking about but I’ll take the credit for it. And to make this less awkward, here’s a tweet:IMG_7732

So I bet by now you’ve figured out that I am a wee bit introverted (idk why i used wee bit)

Karen: Introverted! You don’t say!
Me: Yes Karen, I am an introvert.
K: Wow! Cause your blog’s headline: The Introvert. In The Outside…was quite the mind-teaser.
M: Ok. Karen. You can stop now.
K: Oh and also how you rarely have people on your Snapchat, and other guys tagging you…
M: Hold my watch…

(a resounding thwap rents the air. a baby wails. the pigeons fly away. ambulance sirens in the distance)

dang Karen.

Anywho, I’d probably blow off hanging out with friends or going to some event, giving the reason that I had a ‘family thing’ to attend to. Wait, wait, don’t attack me yet. This is actually valid. In the sense that, almost every Saturday in high school and campus so far, is House Maintenance Day.

Quite self-explanatory. Its that one day of the week where Dad brings out his inner technician. It was like…yes Hannah Montana; cause so, many questions are left answered.

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And then to make things worse, he assumes that everyone else in the house has an inner technician in them too. And that’s where the line gets crossed.

See personally I’m not a DIY kind of guy – except when maybe I have a load of crap that I can make something out of it. Point is, there are guys who actually TRAIN for these kind of things. And I know in your head you’re like: lmaooooo what an idiot. a technician. IN THIS ECONOMY!

Well Craig, there was this one time we had to replace the bathroom bulb. So what happened, all of us had to unscrew ALL the bulbs in the house to replace that ONE bulb. The replacement was eventually found. But now we had one LESS bulb in the house , in my folks room. I was so freaking happy about how the tables had turned, but woe is me.

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so until they bought another one a week later, I was in my room like:

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See my point? Like there’s this other time, when the WiFi was finally being installed. Oh God. So the technicians arrived and started their exterior connection or whatever. And when they were done, I asked about the router and they were like: “Ooh, there was a man, I guess your father who passed by our place to pick it up. Claimed he could do it on his own so tulimwacha ajibambe.”

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That evening, dad came home with the router and some construction glue. And that’s when I knew it was about to go down. We began mounting and removing it from all the walls, by the time we found the ‘perfect position’, the house looked like those spotted dogs, what were they? Oh yeah the Dalmatians smh. And guess who had to repaint the house?

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I didn’t like Saturdays cause I would always look forward to another injury. On some Fridays,  me and some friends would legit hold a raffle on what would be the cause of the next bruise, cut or whatever. Okay sincerely, although I don’t have much, I can safely say 90% of my household injuries are cause of this Bob the Builder charade. The other 10% is quite bizarre actually; including an intense musical chairs where thing escalated, wueh! But that’s a story for another day.

But don’t get it twisted, all this fixing had its own advantages. Like car first aid , I’m quite the expert. Well idk all the parts but for example, I know that when a whooosh sound comes out of the engine, it’s the jiggly part that’s touching the wire and the wire is burning. So to solve this I just have to pour water on the whole engine. It is believed (please note the use of believed) that with the right amount of fuel, this can take you up and down Thika Road. Soooo trust me, I can fix a car.

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Anywho, unless YouTube is clear about it, I’m still never going to do unusual fixing in my place.

 

How to (Not) Deal with Your Resolutions

Since the earth is 4.54 billion years old; Happy 4,540,000,018 ± 50,000,000! I thought 4,540,000,000,017 ± 50,000,000 would ever end. okay I’m done. (you see, this is why I prefer to write comedy rather than say it out loud. because I won’t get booed off stage and lead on to a great mental and physical depression that would leave me paralyzed causing donkeys to fly. hallelujah!)

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In other news, last month I did a generic survey on Instagram about this blog. Thanks again for participating; looking forward to great stuff this 4,540,000,018 ± 50,000,000 (yes, i’ve refused to let go of this cheesy joke).
Small change though – I’ll minimise on the use of emojis. Why? Cause editing has become strenous af and WordPress seems not to be doing anything about it so…boo! Boo! WordPress. So to make you guys feel better here’s a tweet that I’m definitely sure it will hide the fact that I’m too lazy to edit:

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But get ready for more memes so I guess it’s a win.

Anyway, we are already 2 weeks in the new year and pretty sure most of you guys have already given in on whatever it is you’re trying to change about your life. Well, I for one, I’m quite satisfied with mine – even though I’ve escaped death like thrice and it’s still knocking on my door. Yes, I’ve had near death experiences. Nilidhani I’ve already talked about that. Eeeh I did; the time I jumped out of a slay king’s car. And another time, an intoxicated elephant of a relative jumped on top of me from 4 to 8 am. I’m telling you nimeishi maisha. The last time I doubt sijawaambia, I almost died when I found out Wes from How to Get Away with Murder was actually murdered. That ish sucks man!

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Back to storyyyy…. let me not take much of your time and just run down ways of postponing your goals to 2019 or 2045 or whenever…

  • Don’t feel like losing weight anymore? Well simple, have a snack by your bed – or under your bed so that its easier to reach food instead of walking all the way the kitchen. Trust me it works – until rats make a home in ya mattress.
  • Instead of getting up to go to the gym, run or exercise – you can always rewatch your favourite series and/or movies that will definitely keep in you in bed. Testimony: I actually bought a pair of a bit loose but fitting track pants, so that I can jog or run every morning. But I think the trousers themselves also knew that wasn’t going to happen so, they got a new purpose. They are my comedy pants, which as by the name goes, I watch comedies in them. Friends, Futurama, My Wife and Kids – I’ve watched them alllll…but halfway into Modern Family season 8, I couldn’t fit in them and now they hold up my mosquito net. Life’s hard.
  • Number three, if you want to get cuffed this year. 3 things. One, use one app. Especially Twitter relationships; WhatsApp is a no-no. Deux, stop friendzoning each other; it’s just sad. And lastly, some of us just need to change our faces. We’re hella ugly lol. wErE hElLa UgLy LoL
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  • So you want a new phone. And week after week you uber to the same club, drink yourself silly till 5 am, smoke shi- (oh wait. lmao), and uber back. Then you still have the nerve to complain about the economy on Twitter.
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  • For those who are still out for that First Class Honours or driver’s license; no biggie – I mean you can always miss classes and learn on YouTube.
  • And finally, you vowed to reduce on social media and yet sis on January 1st 9 a.m., there you were on Snapchat and Instagram with the same bead status that you had put on WhatsApp about fake friends. Congrats. You’re really are winningi6r5VDO.gif

Bottom line is, no harm done, we’re all friends here and it might seem I’ve highlighted your trashy self – well welcome to the club! Like fr, I’m still carrying 2012 problems so it’s easy.

Great Year Ahead!